How to Apologize. And, Why.

 



 

A measure of a child’s maturity is progress from selfish self-justification toward compassionate empathy; from “I didn’t do it,” through “It’s not my fault!” and the teenager’s favorite, “I’m sorry you think it is my fault,” up to “I’m sorry you are hurt. What can I do to help?” Even experienced business people often revert to the most childish responses when stressed, threatened, or distracted (meaning, much of the time!). Each rung up this ladder makes our relationships stronger and our results better. Let’s explore each step and learn some even higher ones.

First, consider for a moment the results you want most. Review the outcomes you dearly wish to create, the aspects of life that deeply matter to you. Whether it is wealth, health, love, respect, ease, impact, or whatever else you yearn for, whichever measures of success you prefer, chances are that most if not all of your heart’s desires require the actions of other people.

 

You cannot achieve your most important results by yourself.

 

 

The quality of your interactions largely determines the quality of your life. This is particularly true in business, a game of producing specific, measurable results with and through the actions of other people.

The good news is, although our goals require help from others, most of us also try to contribute to the success of other people. We want to matter, to mentor, to nurture, to contribute, to belong, to be safe and appreciated. Much of human energy and attention is directed toward helping and getting help. To cooperate is human. It may be fundamental to all life on earth; it certainly is for mammals.

The bad news is, the more (more…)

The Evolving Self: A Psychology for the Third Millennium

 


 

The Evolving Self: A Psychology for the Third Millennium

by  Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Ph.D.

This is a sequel to Flow.
See a summary of that book by clicking here.

 

 

Purchase this book on-line through Amazon.com

 

See other recommended books.

_____________________

 

P. 5 This, in brief, is the project of this book. It will first explore the forces from the past that have shaped us and made us the kind of organisms we are; it will describe ways of being that help us free ourselves of the dead hand of the past; it will propose approaches to life that improve its quality and lead to joyful involvement; and it will reflect on ways to integrate the growth and liberation of the self with that of society as a whole.

P. 11 The thesis of this book is that becoming an active, conscious part of the evolutionary process is the best way to give meaning to our lives at the present moment in time, and to enjoy each moment along the way.

P. 11 Individuals who develop to the fullest their uniqueness, yet at the same time identify with the larger forces at work in the cosmos, escape the loneliness of the individual destinies.

P. 15 The idea of free will is a self-fulfilling prophecy; those who abide by it are liberated from the absolute determinism of external forces. This belief, in itself, is a “cause.”

P. 15 …consciousness enables those who use it to disengage themselves occasionally from the pressure of relentless drives so as to make their own decisions.

P. 18 What people all over the world mean by good and bad: bad is entropy — disorder, confusion, waste of energy, the inability to do work and achieve goals; good is negentropy — harmony, predictability, purposeful activity that leads to satisfying one’s desires.

Note that entropy is an accurate description of the typical modern workplace.

P. 28 For our ancestors, understanding themselves better was a pleasant luxury. But nowadays learning to control the mind may have become a greater priority for survival than seeking any further advantages the hard sciences could bring.

P. 29 Our brain is a great computing machine but it also places some dangerous obstacles in the way of apprehending reality truthfully.

P. 31 Melvin Koner, neurologist, reviewing studies of the human brain: “the organism’s chronic internal state will be a vague mixture of anxiety and desire — best described perhaps by the phrase ‘I want,’ spoken with or without an object for the verb.”

P. 33 The mind needs ordered information to keep itself ordered. As long as it has clear goals and receives feedback, consciousness keeps humming along. … Paradoxically it is when we are ostensibly most free, when we can do anything we want, that we are least able to act.

P. 36 Depression, anger, fear, and jealousy are simply different manifestations of psychic entropy.

P. 51 …”human nature” is a result of accidental adaptations to environmental conditions long since gone.

P. 55 The brain is a wonderful mechanism … it forces us to strive after forever receding foals. To keep us from settling for daydreams, it begins to project unpleasant information on the screen of consciousness as soon as we stop doing something purposeful.

P. 61 Reality is created as one tries to apprehend it. … Ilya Prigogine, a Nobel laureate in chemistry, “Whatever we call reality, it is revealed to us only through an active construction in which we participate.” And the physicist John Wheeler said: “Beyond particles, beyond fields of force, beyond geometry, beyond space and time themselves, is the ultimate constituent [of all there is], the still more ethereal act of observer-participation.”

P. 65 Each creates the world he or she lives in by investing attention in certain things, and by doing so according to certain patterns.

P. 76 Instinctual desires and cultural values work their way into consciousness from the outside [of consciousness]. The third distortion of reality begins in the mind and works itself out: it is the side effect of consciousness –the illusion of selfhood.

P. 82 People who lead a satisfying life, … are generally individuals who have lived their lives according to rules they themselves created. … They do what they do because they enjoy meeting the challenges of life, because they enjoy life itself.

P. 89 “Power” is the generic term to describe the ability of a person to have others expend their lives to satisfy his or her goals.

P. 105 the powerful lion turns out to be a living shelter for hundreds of different parasites … For every complex organism, survival is a constant battle against less complex life-forms that make a career of using its energy for their own ends.

At the psychological level, a parasite is someone who drains away another person’s psychic energy; not by direct control, but by exploiting a weakness or inattention.

P. 120 Dawkins “a meme is any permanent pattern of matter or information produced by an act of human intentionality”

P. 121 It is possible that one of the most dangerous illusions we must learn to see through is the belief that the thoughts we think of and the things we make are under our control, that we can manipulate then at will.

P. 135 Television is a dramatic example of a meme that invades the mind and reproduces there without concern for the well-being of its host.

P. 150 “organism” might be defined as any system of interrelated parts that needs inputs of energy to keep existing. … includes crystals and memes.

P. 151 (1) Every organism tends to keep its shape and to reproduce itself.

P. 151 (2) In order to survive and to reproduce, organisms require inputs of external energy.

P. 152 Entropy — or the dissolution of order into redundant randomness — is one of the most reliable features of the universe as we know it.

P. 152 (3) Each organism will try to take as much energy out of the environment as possible, limited only by threats to its own integrity.

P. 154 (4) Organisms that are successful in finding ways to extract more energy from the environment for their own use will tend to live longer and leave relatively more copies of themselves.

P. 154 (5) When organisms become too successful in extracting energy from their habitat, they may destroy it, and themselves in the process.

P. 155 (6) There are two opposite tendencies in evolution: changes that lead toward harmony and those that lead toward entropy.

P. 155 Harmony i.e., the ability to obtain energy through cooperation, and through the utilization of unused or wasted energy)

P. 155 Entropy i.e., ways of obtaining energy … causing conflict and disorder.

P. 156 (7) Harmony is usually achieved by evolutionary changes involving an increase in an organism’s complexity.

P. 156 Complexity, that is, an increase both in differentiation and integration.

P. 167 The world in which our children and their children will live is built, minute by minute, through the choices we endorse with our psychic energy.

 


 

Being Well Led Increases Well Being

 


 

A transformational leadership style, one that conveys a sense of trust, meaningfulness, and individually challenges employees, contributes to greater employee well-being*

  • Leading by example,
  • Contributing to a common goal,
  • Intellectual stimulation,
  • Positive feedback for good performance,
  • Recognizing the needs of others, &
  • Resolving conflict

–Christine Jacobs, University of Cologne
in the Journal of Occupational and Environmental Medicine
via Transformational Leadership
Has Positive Effects on Employee Well-Being
.

 



*Psychological well-being includes:
  • self-acceptance
  • the establishment of quality ties to other
  • a sense of autonomy in thought and action
  • the ability to manage complex environments to suit personal needs and values
  • the pursuit of meaningful goals and a sense of purpose in life
  • continued growth and development as a person

 


 

Gallwey: Coach Their World View


 

I have great respect for Dan Gallwey; he is a pioneer of coaching and really gets it. Heard him just yesterday on a video from the 70s or 80s, paraphrasing.

When an employee or competitor fails to deliver what you require, start by inquiring into what he sees as the requirement, what he saw in the performance. Growth comes from seeing the world differently, not from being criticized or corrected.

Tim Gallwey in a conversation with
John WoodenRed Auerbach,
George Allen, &  Werner Erhard

 


Relative Evil

 


 

During the 1980s, I was an avid admirer of Ayn Rand‘s philosophy of Objectivism. The greatest expression of this devotion was the following short story. The germ of the idea came from this news event. I was very proud of my story at the time. I offered it to only three magazines. I was shocked by their responses.

 

My rejection letters from
The New Yorker and Esquire are below.
The Atlantic Monthly did not bother to respond.

 

Reading the story now, it seems much more righteous and judgmental than I admit to being today. I still love the rhythm of certain sentences, the cinematic clarity of the settings and some of the word play, for example, the double meaning of the title and the triple meaning of DRILLER. Comments are welcome, of course, but please remember that I am no longer the author. He has grown away.

You can read it below this line or click here to download an Adobe PDF that is prettier to print.

 


 

Relative Evil

by Anthony P. Mayo

 

He pressed his fingers to the throb in his temple. Not to ease the pain, but to focus on the rhythmic pressure and blot out his sister’s insistence. Her unpersuasive words sought to compensate with repetition and emotion what they lacked in evidence and reason.

 

“Please Randall, if ever family mattered it is really important now.” Yes, Rachel, he thought as she talked. I know family matters, that is exactly why I am sitting at your kitchen table on a weekday morning. Being part of this family is why his day had detonated from the usual historical exposition to this hysterical exposition. If he were not born a Fleischer, Randall would still be at his desk, working on his next book.

 

 

Randall had just finished his daily preparing-to-get-ready-to-start-to-write rituals and was about to fill the computer screen with historical in-sight when the telephone rang. The first surprise was that the caller was his literary agent. Franklin called for only two reasons, either to report that Randall’s latest book had been sold to a publisher or to report that the publisher was impatient to receive the final draft of Randall’s latest book. Since Errors of Democracy had been purchased only three months ago, he could not imagine a reason for this interruption.

 

“Rand, what is your father’s first name?”

 

“Otto. And my mother’s maiden name was Calabrisi.” Randall was playful. “Is this some kind of identity check, Franklin? Are you going to pass along a secret message to me?”

 

“I’m afraid its no secret, friend. Something terrible has happened. The news is filled with reports that your father was… Rand, do you know what your father did during the war?”

(more…)

Will this year be happy for you? Or even “new”?

 


 

You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going because you might not get there.

–Yogi Berra

Happy New Year!

 

Or so we have been saying. But will it be happy for you? Will it even be all that new? Or is it just the same stuff on a different date? Is 2012 your future or just a rearranged version of your past?

Try this quick exercise. Pretend it is now January 1, 2013. How are you feeling about 2012? Was it a year of satisfaction or disappointment, growth or decay, health or decline, contribution or frustration? One year from today, what will you wish you had done sooner?

Like most of the people I ask, you have probably retired from the “New (more…)

Twitter Log XXIV


TwitterI use Twitter to share brief messages, not more than two per day. You can have them delivered to your cell phone by text message (SMS) or view them when you visit your free Twitter web page. Create a Twitter account and “follow” TonyMayo. Here are my recent tweets (messages):

No matter how intense the suffering, no matter how tight you might be clinging, there is the possibility of dropping it. –Jonathan Foust

No goofs, no growth. –Tony Mayo See Stanford University research by clicking here.

You must have long-range goals to keep you from being frustrated by short-term failures. –-Charles Noble

Becoming a CEO coach isn’t easy: “What is to give light must endure burning” —Dr. Viktor Frankl

… we now live in an era where people of vision are the only practical people. Functioning at the level of what is reasonable is as impractical as one can get. …be willing to bring forth a vision–not in ignorance of the circumstances or what is reasonable, but in addition to all that.  —Werner Erhard

I am the equal to all I meet because of the kindness in my heart. —Sarah Adams

 

If you want to know the culture of a company, then ignore the written stuff and go to a meeting. — Edgar Henry Schein of MIT Sloan Click here for more on meetings that matter.

Prior tweets are here, at Twitter Logs.

___ ©2011 Tony Mayo

Genuine Success: Vitality, Service, & Outstanding Performance

 


 

A small group of leaders in the DC Metro area is interviewing potential new members for their coaching group. Details below or you can download a brochure here: http://tiny.cc/gsvsop

 


 

Click to see the brochureYour organization and your responsibilities can grow only as fast as you do. Participate in Genuine Success: Vitality, Service, and Outstanding Performance (GS:VSOP) to develop your expertise in the only career strategy that is endlessly scalable. Leadership: the ability to get things done with and through other people.

GS:VSOP is a continuing program to provide business people with structure, tools, and support to produce nonlinear, unpredicted, massive results at work while enjoying a high level of personal satisfaction, fulfillment, and vitality.

GS:VSOP’s unique mix of traditional business principles, cutting-edge brain science, powerful one-to-one coaching, and ancient disciplines assures you a productive and profitable experience.

Each month, you will grow as a leader through a full day of group learning with other successful leaders; participate in one-to-one coaching sessions with your group leader; be held accountable for implementing your vision with follow-up sessions and field practice.

Program topics include influence and persuasion, organization and planning, finance, self-management and growth, focus and concentration, integrity, communication, health, and fitness. See brochure for more details.

This program is for leaders who:

  • Aim to achieve transformational growth & breakthrough results.
  • Want to improve ROI & speed growth.
  • Are frustrated with “business as usual”  & just know “there’s got to be a better way.”
  • Are ready to get more done with less stress.
  • Apply their knowledge to innovate & make things happen.
  • Strive for a greater clarity & confidence.
  • Are ready to take bolder action, to employ their talents & resources thoroughly.

You’ll learn why you behave the way you do and how to alter your conversations for greater performance and how to consistently achieve significant measurable organization-wide improvements.

Schedule a conversation with Tony Mayo to find out if this program is right for you by clicking here.

To me, leadership is a journey toward wholeness.

A leader’s journey starts by looking inward to understand, “Why am I here?” and “What is it that I’m here to do?”

–- Joe Jaworski, MIT
Society for Organizational Learning

 


 

Genuine Success:
Vitality, Service, & Outstanding Performance

A Program for Leaders
Committed to Workplaces of
Humanity & Prosperity

 


 

Meditation for empathy and insight

Rick Hanson, Ph.D.…integrating thinking and feeling is a desirable mental state, but many people have a hard time reasoning clearly when they’re upset, or bringing emotion into conceptual activities like planning.

Researchers have recently found that the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) is very involved with weaving thought and feeling together. They’ve also shown that the conscious control of attention is centered in the ACC, which is measurably strengthened by activities that train attention such as meditation. In another example, studies have shown that tuning into the emotional states of others–a central component of empathy–depends on the activity of the insula. The insula also handles interoception, the sensing of the internal state of the body, so mental activities such as sensory awareness activate and eventually thicken the insula, and thereby increase empathy.

In effect, investigators have found that a method used for one purpose (meditation, or sensory awareness) can stimulate and strengthen brain regions that are also involved with another purpose (integrating thinking and feeling, or empathy).

Rick Hanson, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist, author, and teacher with
a great interest in the intersection of psychology, neurology, and Buddhism.

He has written and taught extensively about the essential inner skills of personal well-being,psychological growth, and contemplative practice–as well as about relationships,family life, and raising children. A summa cum laude graduate of UCLA,Rick did management consulting before earning his Ph.D.






See free, easy Meditation Instructions on this blog.



Meditation for Managers video